I have in the past written about dating an ambitious woman, dating in your 30's, and how, here we are, with a highly anticipated and much needed piece on tearing down the walls we work so hard to keep up, in order to let love in. We are inevitably our own worst enemies, we self-sabotage, and due to past experiences, we can assume that things won't work, can't be true, or that we don't deserve to be happy. Often times we are driven with fear, sometimes unconsciously. Fear of falling into the same pattern, fear of investing time only to have to start over, fear of lies, fear of the other person cheating, abandonment, of the other person not being able to accept us fully for all our beauty and flaws.
Perhaps also a fear of letting someone else in, showing too much or not enough interest, the dreaded feeling of rejection that most try to avoid at any cost - allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. All of these thoughts, these feelings, they are valid, mostly because we have learned from experience that these things happen. They are things we have experienced before. All of these things, they hurt. So we may close our hearts, put up a wall, and avoid truly being open to loving or being loved again. These walls, they are a defense mechanism, we put them in place to protect ourselves, though it's possible in trying to protect ourselves we are actually short selling ourselves and depriving ourselves of the love and relationship that we both want and deserve. The wall protects, it is not just fear, it's anger, resentment, guilt, blame, and a way to numb out rather than grow and move on from the relationships that didn't work out.
I too have been there, I have experienced heart ache, time and time again. All along thinking the wall was for protection, later realizing it was actually fear and anxiety. Yes, dating and relationships can bring a sense of anxiety of the unknown. There is no certainty that you won't get hurt upon entering a relationship. We shut down, we close off our hearts, decreasing our ability to truly connect and let someone else in. So while we want the healthy relationship, we want whatever that looks like to us. We want to love and be loved, and in recognizing that we have a wall up, we can start to tear it down. We can be in control, restore our faith, find and remain hopeful, open our hearts, and truly let love in.
When we let this wall down, when we allow ourselves to be open, honest, and vulnerable, when we live with an open mind and open heart, and don't expect the worst, everything seems to flow easier. You may notice yourself feeling lighter, brighter, more loving, outgoing, and more willing to truly love and be loved.
Be open to recognizing that you have the wall up, and take a moment to see the power you are giving this wall. The beauty is, that you built these walls, and you have the ability to tear them down. In being intimate, in being vulnerable, it can be easy to put and keep the walls up. In taking responsibility, in allowing ourselves to live in the present instead of the past, we can create the future we want both for ourselves and within a relationship.
Breathe, we often forget to do this. We feel anxious or emotional as we hold on to the fear, hold onto the past, in practicing mindfulness, in being in tune with your mind, body, and emotions, you allow yourself the ability to breathe, to be, and to enjoy the journey. We often ruminate on the uncomfortable emotions, the hurt, the anger, blame, they are certainly uncomfortable, but it's often easier to stay stuck in misery than to do the work to create your own happiness. Be willing not only to notice and feel those feelings and emotions, but to accept them, and move past them, without allowing them to remain in control of us. In acceptance, they lose their power over us, and we are once again in control. In opening and accepting our emotions, we are working on opening our hearts.
In letting out walls down, we are absolutely opening ourselves up for the possibility of heart ache and hurt. If we don't let these walls down, we are not allowing ourselves the experience of loving wholeheartedly. The truth is, you can't keep your heart guarded forever. You can't keep your wall up forever. While it might seem impossible and scary, it's a risk you have to take if you want to have that meaningful relationship and to truly love and be loved. If we don't allow ourselves the opportunity to fall in love, we are essentially allowing ourselves to feel lonely, hurt, and resentful forever. There is always the possibility to have your heart broken again, to be hurt, let down, abandoned, however if you never give yourself the opportunity, you will never know how great a relationship could be. You might be allowing yourself to walk away from something amazing before the relationship ever began.
Open up, be honest about how you are feeling. If you are frightened of hurt, it's okay to share that. It's okay to talk about the good and the bad, to share your experiences and the things you have been though, These things have helped shape you. Talk, allow yourself to be vulnerable, then talk some more. Identify your feelings, pay attention to how your feeling, and allow yourself to identify where these feelings or emotions are coming from. It's okay to let others know what you need, it's okay to ask for space, for help, or to share what it is you are feeling and need from the relationship. Let others in, fill your life with great people, quality over quantity. People who add to your life in a positive way, meaningful, fulfilling relationships that bring you connection and meaning.
Perhaps a relationship that enhances your own inner peace and happiness. Get to know yourself, love yourself, believe in yourself and your worth, Identify your morals, values, what makes you tick Ask yourself "what drives me and gives me meaning and purpose in life? In learning yourself, in loving yourself, you will find it becomes easier to let your wall down, let others in, to love, and to embrace being loved. Until you accept and love yourself, it may seem more challenging to do this. In finding and creating our own inner peace and happiness, we aren't then putting a high expectation on the other person to create that for us. If we are already happy, then we meet someone who increases or enhances our own inner peace and happiness, that's when the magic happens, we knock down the wall, and give ourselves the opportunity for the happy ever after that we have been longing for and seeking for so very long. Brick by brick, tear down that emotional wall, and let in the love and light. Remember that life is a balance of holding on and letting go. Hold on to the happy memories, the lessons learned, and let go of all that doesn't serve you well, of all the things that have kept you so guarded. Be open to change, love, and a happy and healthy relationship.